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“Had a Hemorrhoidectomy a Month Ago…”

August 5, 2016

Had a hemorrhoidectomy a month ago and this morning was the one month recheck.

Was talking to my friend last night and I was saying how I was kind of dreading the recheck.

I was telling him how weird it was the first time I met with my doctor. She’s probably in her late thirties. I have met her three times so far in my life. The first time I visited her office was after my first colonoscopy.

    After I had filled out the paperwork I was brought into room the by the nurse, another late thirtiesish woman. She puts me on the scale, weighs me, asks me my height, asks me why I’m here. She takes my paperwork which includes my health insurance info, a script, and ultra graphic color pictures of my colonoscopy. She takes my blood pressure and my temp.

The doctor comes in this small room and the nurse stays in the room. I was explaining to him that this is the weird part. I have never had anybody put anything up my butt besides doctors putting their fingers up my butt to check the hemorrhoids and whatever they did to me when I was knocked out for the colonoscopy. On this visit I learned what an anuscope is.

I was saying to him the anuscope experience wouldn’t be half as awkward if the nurse didn’t stay in room, but she has to in order to take the doctor’s notes like a dental hygienist takes down the numbers when measuring your gum line.

The doctor had me lay on my side after she turned the recliner I was sitting on into a table. Then the nurse draped a sheet over me and I was informed about the anuscope, basically a dildo with a camera on the tip of it. The nurse sat down in a chair in a corner facing me right in my line of view, impossible to avoid eye contact. Shortly after I was informed about the anuscope, I was experiencing the anuscope.

He jokingly asked if she was slowly moving it in and out and in and out.

I said no, but the nurse was licking her lips which made me question what exactly was going on here.

He then asked if they gave me a ball gag before all this went down.

I said no, but they did make me get on all fours.

Then he pointed out that they do this all day everyday and that before I got there they were probably like, “Okay, this time I get to sit in the corner.”

Anyway, so this morning’s check up I of course got the same doctor, but I also got the same nurse. It was hard not to think of the conversation I had with my friend the night before.

Today was good though, nice and quick and I knew what to expect. Same exact thing happened, except when the doctor initially spread my cheeks she took a look and exclaimed, “NICE!!!”

Also, while anuscoping she relayed to the nurse, “Good tone.”

So the good news is the surgery went well and I’m going to be fine.

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